I'm planning to make a remastered version of this game in June this year with better writing and better image qualities:) And yes I have quite a few game ideas in mind that I hope to make in the near future!
The game is beautiful and very wonderful. I did not expect it to be this beautiful. I hope you will continue to develop it. I appreciate your efforts.❤️❤️ What is your next game?
Thanks so much Ggggf! Your comment means a lot to me <3 <3
To be honest with you I struggled a lot during that one month jam on developing this game, there were so much I wish I could achieve, as soon as it was done, I knew I need to make a remastered version of it 😅
Currently I have to work during daytime and in the spare time I’m doing an online course on music making. Around June I should be able to wrap up the course and personal life stuff, I’ll work on a remastered version of this game! There will be big expansions on the story, for example, in this game I felt apologetic to Brannan as he isn’t really the big bad guy, but due to the length of the story, he appeared to be the only villain against the protagonists. The graphic, UI and lots of other bits and pieces I really want to improve on.
I have the ambitions to bring more stories in my head to life! But I want to take one step at a time, the remastered version of this game will be my main focus this year:) please look forward to it!
Me and my fiance played/reviewed the visual novel together and we especially enjoyed the story, the lore, and the art style. I kinda fangirled a bit during the Kael/Brannan swordfight scene. That was my favorite part. ;) Would love to see more chapters and/or a remastered version of this! ^_^
Thanks so much for the play/review of this visual novel! I had lots of fun and laugh while watching you two going through the story last evening XD
My favourite part is the reactions, comments and critism you guys made there, I'm planning to do a remastered version of this little jam work this year (around June), so these feedbacks are exactly what I wanted! Especially when it's coming from someone who have experience in making visual novels <3
(If you're interested in my responses to the critisms, here are my replies, otherwise feel free to ignore them!)
========================
It might be disappointing to admit but some of the flaws I was already aware during the one-month jam, they were unfortunately intentional choices due to my very limited capacities, as I only had max 3hr per day. To be honest at the end I wasn't happy with the overall quality of the game, I didn't believe it could really reach to that many people. It's absolutely delightful to hear any feedback:')
My no.1 priority was to deliver this visual novel in time, so I implemented some "smart" hacks to speed things up, one seemed work really well (eg. painting over copyright free photos for background arts), the others appeartly were epic failures (eg. using side-characters rather than full body ones, telling over showing, all these things that didn't require me to spend too much time).
I really appreciate one thing you pointed out as the "format" of visual novel writings -- I have read several visual novels but couldn't believe this never occurred to me as something important to apply to my work. Definitely will keep it in mind!
Romance wise I'm 100% with your opinion. There is a sterotype in otome games that needs the female protagonist to be somewhat bland and inactive, it's easier for some readers to self-insert themselves in the game. Again this sterotype was working for me during the jam for the sake of time-saving. But personally I prefer the female protagonist with personalities as I usually don't self-insert. That's another item on my TODO list for the remastered version:)
Happy to help, glad you found it useful! And entertaining hehe ~ ^///^
It's all perfectly understandable. Considering the amount of work you did in such a short amount of time, it's quite an impressive accomplishment and something to be proud of. I'm so slow and terrible at planning, so jams certainly aren't for me, but I do enjoy seeing the sort of stories people come up with. It never ceases to amaze me. o///o This was an excellent start and I'm sure it'll only continue to get even better as you go. Keep up the good work, I'll look forward to playing the remastered version! :D
Awww you’re so sweet <3 <3 <3 thanks a mil for your support!! Yes please look forward to the remastered version of this game!
Btw I’m hoping to see more game reviews on your YouTube channel, keep up the good work! I think your clear confident voice and the interactions between you two work really well there :)
I LOVED this game so much! As far as chapter one goes, I really like the story. I instantly fell for Kael 💜 and liked how well written the character were. The music (imo) is a 10/10. Very dreamy, soft tracks which go so perfectly with the anime-like art you chose for this game. I also liked the more heavy fighting track a lot.
Aww thank you so much Lavender for playing my game and making a youtube video! I'm so happy to hear you like Kael, he is a cute boy even I treasure him <3
(Brannan is also a very nice boy! I didn't manage to give Brannan some spotlights this time, someone has to be the villian... so sorry Brannan! That has to be your job this time! But I swear I'll do justice for you next time)
Also appreciate your comments on the music! I didn't expect that, these are copywrite free music I borrowed from other artists, I'm hoping to make my own music for this game this year (after finishing my music composition courses around April), I'll keep your comments in mind, hope I can craft music of similar vibes:))
I'm planning to work on a "remaster" version of this game (with better story-telling and graphics), and if time allows hope I can continue on more chapters. Please look forward to it! <3
Hello, I downloaded the game today and played through once and did Kael's route. The CG art is really good. At first the premise is interesting. I think this is a lovely start to creating your game.
SPOILERS
Sorry, but I am going to get into some hopefully construction criticism. Please do not take any of this negatively--this story really is very good for a first story.
I think overall the thing that held this game back was essentially the story was too elaborate. There was a lot of what is commonly referred to as "info dumps" or lots of exposition just put in--for example, if you read fast and maybe miss a sentence, it's definitely possible to entirely miss a huge plot point because exposition is literally placed just once during a character's thoughts which included other less important information.
It's difficult to explain, but one thing I think you should keep in mind as a golden rule going forward is following "Chekhov's gun" which is a writing principle that states "every element in a story must be necessary, and irrelevant elements should be removed." I know probably you already have in mind how everything is necessary and has meaning as part of a huge, grand story--however, I really think you should consider in this smaller release of the story to NOT include all the elements of the story yet.
I think it actually would help you to keep people intrigued if when you write a smaller release of the story to follow Chekhov's gun principle by not including anything that is irrelevant to the shorter story. For example, I would have advised completely removing the detail of Kael wanting a heart from the witch. Because in this short release of the story it ended up being just a throwaway line that had no impact or relevance to the story. It also added a bit of disappointment (at least to me) because honestly I didn't feel the character displayed a lack of emotion--which usually is what people think of first when a character says they lack a heart (due to Wizard of Oz probably). So, it just added an unnecessary distraction--which is a classic Chekhov's gun example.
The switching back and forth between character's POV and between past and present was also distracting. I think having even just a screen break with just "A few days later..." or "Brennan's POV" would have helped because at first I didn't even look up at the top of the screen and didn't catch the POV change.
But I also think the many changes in POV is also a result of trying to tell a huge story in a very short amount of time. Again, I would have probably advised on the short release of this story to have focused on just a few things. For example, maybe starting out the game telling just a fragment of the backstory--not everything that was said in this game, but just enough to get people intrigued and maybe purposely leaving out some things so readers question who's who as they're reading. (For example, maybe you could have had a townsperson recalling the story at a pre halloween event as the protagonist walks by--I dunno maybe a book reading to children at a library or something--of the evil witch's actions and not mentioned the good witch yet so readers would initially think the protagonist might be secretly tied to evil magic unawares and that could have added tension and suspense, plus it would give more reason as to why the townspeople all feared witches so much).
And then in this short release you could have focused on the protagonist not yet being aware of the truth--that only one witch was evil and the other was good--so not having any flashbacks yet to the past of the good witch, and instead at the end when she's possessed by the good witch you keep readers in suspense because you don't tell them she's good. And instead you keep it vague still and mysterious. So, when the witch leaves her body the protagonist has a much more difficult decision to make on whether she'll try to stay as herself or continue to unravel the mystery. And then for Kael's route you could have her basically saying the same as she did--a speech about choosing to remain as she is and maybe even adding that she will never become evil. (Just as a nice touch) So essentially you'd have a complete short story then. A girl connected to an unknown entity choosing to stay as she is and be a good person--that's a very satisfying story. However, YOU would know as the author that it's just a tiny piece of the actual grand story and then in your next release you could plan out how the protagonist is gradually going to learn that the witch she's connected to actually isn't evil. For example, while she's now living with Kael and they know they're likely going to be attacked by Brennan again--that's when she could suddenly start having flashbacks of a good witch and gradually realizing that there's more to the story. Obviously I guess this would then require maybe a rewrite of Kael since I think he remembered that the witch was good--I probably would have kept him in the dark in this first release. Maybe not yet regaining all his memories. And also it would require a rewrite of her best friend so that she hasn't yet told the protagonist of the story of the good witch. And I do think this is another story beat I would have removed completely--because it too was just thrown in as a flashback randomly. Whereas I think it would be much more impactful to be written at a key moment in the story and probably where it's not a flashback but us actually being in the scene in the present. So, again I think this would too have been good to have in an episode two--or second release of the game where maybe as she's getting odd flashbacks that contradict her knowledge of the witch she eventually tells her friend who then recounts the story of the good witch--maybe even as a final beat right before a major plot point. (Like right before she meets Brennan for a big encounter)
And then in the next release as they both start realizing that the witch was good that would be a special treat then to your readers--to your fans--because they would be so thrilled to see that the story expands and gets more and more elaborate and interesting.
Anyways, that's just one idea. As you can see, there's a lot of ways you can simplify a grand story and focus on beats that you think will be exciting for a reader. You don't have to reveal everything at once. And a story doesn't have to be huge to have a big impact. You can definitely pick just a few things from your grand story and up the ante on those points to a thousand to make them very exciting.
Basically you really want each major plot point to have the most impact it can have in your story. If Kael is actually a secretive character who’s main intentions originally were to get a heart in order to no longer be under the witch’s control or something—then that should have gradual hints throughout the story and the reveal of him looking for a heart should be during some major scene. Timing of when to reveal plot is very important and also focusing on major plot points to build their momentum is very important too. Or if he wants a heart only recently after meeting the protagonist because he fell in love and wants to become fully human—that too should be a major scene.
But, again I think since you had so many very cool, dramatic plot ideas in this story there just were too many in this chapter one that you weren’t able to give them all the emotional, dramatic tension and impactful reveal they really deserved.
I think you should see every very cool plot point you have as a diamond that you absolutely do not discard. But instead save it and hold onto it until you can present the diamond at the perfect moment.
Again, I hope this is helpful. And sorry I just love thinking about stories and giving feedback. You did very well for your first story! The story itself has a lot of potential.
Hey Narnia! I want to say thanks a million for writing down these feedbacks for this game, I'm absolutely hounoured to hear it! The passion behind these words thrilled me:))
You are not the only one who had provided similar constructive feedbacks, and as author I'm also fully aware that I had squeezed too many plots & foreshadowing in this short 12000 words story -- I had a much bigger story in mind AND too short time to write them down (I only had 10 days I could allocate to the story-writing during the 1 month game jam).
Enough of the excuses:P I want you know that I'm grateful for whoever who spent time reading it and even more time writing down feedbacks! That includes you <3 While I appreciate sweet and generous comments, I also love to hear criticism as I have these concerns in mind as well, your feedbacks help me to validate that I'm not just imagining things.
On a seperate topic since you have mentioned it a bit...
I probably should write a post, life is messy and busy I'm still trying to figure out how much time I could spend on the game this year -- my next goal is not to work on the second/third chapter following this game, but to work on a "remaster" version of this game, aka chapter 1, that would involve:
- rewriting the story for progressively revealing the plots (not like telling a story in a rush this time)
- working on new character art/background art/CGs (to be honest, this bothered me the most), and
- composing my own music instead of using copywrite free musics.
- better marketing!
Please look forward to it!
Again, thanks so much for your feedbacks!! I'll keep them in mind for the next game development:)
I actually did watch someone who played this game too afterwards and I noticed that their selection for a beginning question helped resolve a lot of my uncertainty I had at the beginning when I played.
SPOILER
It was the question, “Do you believe in what they’re saying about the witches’ curse?”
I had picked, “I suppose not.”
But the gameplay video someone else did picked, “Yes, I do.”
When seeing the “Yes I do” response it really helped me to understand their world better.
Whereas the selections I made I don’t remember an explanation of how the townspeople viewed the legend exactly in general. Nor history of the town itself being very clear.
Believe it or not but when I heard at the beginning of the story that Kael had just appeared with medieval knowledge and getup in town I was thinking he may be from another dimension or world, or realm. Basically not from her world. Or that there was an underground secret magical society similar to Harry Potter. And that she might be a descendant of someone who magically traveled to her world from a magical world.
But, I never thought that their town’s history had a palace and kingdom with a witch and everything in the past. I guess it was more like I thought the town had a fairytale about a witch from a magical world who happened to come to their world and town. But they all thought it was fictitious.
In retrospect I can see how that probably should be obvious that the town was where the palace had been—but the townspeople just thought the magic part of the story was fictional and possibly that the witch was fictional. (Or maybe they do know magic existed?) But it’s true when I read through I didn’t pick up on the palace being a literal part of their history until much later and didn’t understand it as well as I would have if I had seen the “Yes I do” dialogue.
So, I dunno it that helps but maybe I suggest considering adding some dialogue to the No response that still tells the history.
Sorry I am a long winded speaker. But it’s really cool and hope you get time to write more.
Yeah that's a very fair point! Again I really appreciate all the detailed feedbacks!!! <3
Usually a story consists of 3 elements:
Characters
Plots
World building
As you pointed out in this and the first posts, in this story I didn't do enough writing on the world building, it's only natural that it failed to help the readers explore the world and ensure we're on the same page:) That will be one of my goals in the remastered game to fix this issue in addition to clear some loose ends in the plots!
I might have some free time around June this year to start working on it:) Currently I'm studying a music composing course in the spare time, the course will finish around April.
=======
Since you mentioned it, if you are curious -- the fairytale is more or less a sugarcoated version of the real history of that kingdom. You might notice that the endings of Miss Witch in the past are very different:
In the fairytale: Miss Witch married Prince Aidan and they lived happily ever after.
In Brannan's memory: Miss Witch was burned on the stake, he didn't mention what happened to Prince Aidan but he never liked him.
ahh this seems so interesting !! loved it so far, cant wait to find out more about the story and maybe more about miss witch's past? kael is so lovely and nice but ngl brannan is really my type lolz but yeah kael is just the vibes rn cux he wants the best for april <33
aww thanks for your lovely comment Nahryla! <3 so glad to hear you enjoyed this little game!
Kael is lovely isn’t it? :)) He brought in so much joy when I wrote the story! And Brannan the handsome haha, yeah I admit he deserves more spotlight, one of my top priorities for the remastered version of this game is to write more about him! <3
And I do plan to expand the story into more episodes where we’ll dive deep into miss witch’s past and her true name (big plot here!).
Oh sure! It’s easy for me to do an android build. It should be all good but I don’t have an android phone to double check it, let me know if there’s any issue occurred and I’ll do my best to address them:)
The custom-drawn CGs looked absolutely amazing. I really like the character designs. I can tell that you took great care to find some fitting music that enhanced the mood.
Kael's childlike wonder and enthusiasm were so cute and really won me over. I enjoyed the friendship between April and Cora. I think Brannan might be quite an interesting Character. Funny enough, I picked his route first, because I was excited for the cult stuff. Kael felt like more like the main route though, as we spent more time with him and that Kiss CG was amazing. I felt like it was a bit of a personal happiness vs (possibly) greater good choice and that made it interesting.
Thank you for making this game.
If you have any feedback please don't hestitate to reach out to me either by leaving a comment here or if you are a bit shy, feel free to talk to me directly @lin_8948 on discord :)
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Loved it so much! 🫶
I’m glad that you enjoyed it! <3 <3
I loved this game!! It's very beautiful and I can tell a lot of time and dedication had been put into this game :) I hope you make more games <3
Aww thank you!! Your comment means a lot to me <3
I'm planning to make a remastered version of this game in June this year with better writing and better image qualities:) And yes I have quite a few game ideas in mind that I hope to make in the near future!
I'll make sure to download more of your games in the future :>
oh my god~!
Hi Kawaii Panda, you like it? :)
The game is beautiful and very wonderful. I did not expect it to be this beautiful. I hope you will continue to develop it. I appreciate your efforts.❤️❤️ What is your next game?
Thanks so much Ggggf! Your comment means a lot to me <3 <3
To be honest with you I struggled a lot during that one month jam on developing this game, there were so much I wish I could achieve, as soon as it was done, I knew I need to make a remastered version of it 😅
Currently I have to work during daytime and in the spare time I’m doing an online course on music making. Around June I should be able to wrap up the course and personal life stuff, I’ll work on a remastered version of this game! There will be big expansions on the story, for example, in this game I felt apologetic to Brannan as he isn’t really the big bad guy, but due to the length of the story, he appeared to be the only villain against the protagonists. The graphic, UI and lots of other bits and pieces I really want to improve on.
I have the ambitions to bring more stories in my head to life! But I want to take one step at a time, the remastered version of this game will be my main focus this year:) please look forward to it!
I'm looking forward to it now, it really excited me
Me and my fiance played/reviewed the visual novel together and we especially enjoyed the story, the lore, and the art style. I kinda fangirled a bit during the Kael/Brannan swordfight scene. That was my favorite part. ;) Would love to see more chapters and/or a remastered version of this! ^_^
Thanks so much for the play/review of this visual novel! I had lots of fun and laugh while watching you two going through the story last evening XD
My favourite part is the reactions, comments and critism you guys made there, I'm planning to do a remastered version of this little jam work this year (around June), so these feedbacks are exactly what I wanted! Especially when it's coming from someone who have experience in making visual novels <3
(If you're interested in my responses to the critisms, here are my replies, otherwise feel free to ignore them!)
========================
It might be disappointing to admit but some of the flaws I was already aware during the one-month jam, they were unfortunately intentional choices due to my very limited capacities, as I only had max 3hr per day. To be honest at the end I wasn't happy with the overall quality of the game, I didn't believe it could really reach to that many people. It's absolutely delightful to hear any feedback:')
My no.1 priority was to deliver this visual novel in time, so I implemented some "smart" hacks to speed things up, one seemed work really well (eg. painting over copyright free photos for background arts), the others appeartly were epic failures (eg. using side-characters rather than full body ones, telling over showing, all these things that didn't require me to spend too much time).
I really appreciate one thing you pointed out as the "format" of visual novel writings -- I have read several visual novels but couldn't believe this never occurred to me as something important to apply to my work. Definitely will keep it in mind!
Romance wise I'm 100% with your opinion. There is a sterotype in otome games that needs the female protagonist to be somewhat bland and inactive, it's easier for some readers to self-insert themselves in the game. Again this sterotype was working for me during the jam for the sake of time-saving. But personally I prefer the female protagonist with personalities as I usually don't self-insert. That's another item on my TODO list for the remastered version:)
Happy to help, glad you found it useful! And entertaining hehe ~ ^///^
It's all perfectly understandable. Considering the amount of work you did in such a short amount of time, it's quite an impressive accomplishment and something to be proud of. I'm so slow and terrible at planning, so jams certainly aren't for me, but I do enjoy seeing the sort of stories people come up with. It never ceases to amaze me. o///o This was an excellent start and I'm sure it'll only continue to get even better as you go. Keep up the good work, I'll look forward to playing the remastered version! :D
Awww you’re so sweet <3 <3 <3 thanks a mil for your support!! Yes please look forward to the remastered version of this game!
Btw I’m hoping to see more game reviews on your YouTube channel, keep up the good work! I think your clear confident voice and the interactions between you two work really well there :)
I LOVED this game so much! As far as chapter one goes, I really like the story. I instantly fell for Kael 💜 and liked how well written the character were. The music (imo) is a 10/10. Very dreamy, soft tracks which go so perfectly with the anime-like art you chose for this game. I also liked the more heavy fighting track a lot.
I can't wait for more chapters to be released.
Aww thank you so much Lavender for playing my game and making a youtube video! I'm so happy to hear you like Kael, he is a cute boy even I treasure him <3
(Brannan is also a very nice boy! I didn't manage to give Brannan some spotlights this time, someone has to be the villian... so sorry Brannan! That has to be your job this time! But I swear I'll do justice for you next time)
Also appreciate your comments on the music! I didn't expect that, these are copywrite free music I borrowed from other artists, I'm hoping to make my own music for this game this year (after finishing my music composition courses around April), I'll keep your comments in mind, hope I can craft music of similar vibes:))
I'm planning to work on a "remaster" version of this game (with better story-telling and graphics), and if time allows hope I can continue on more chapters. Please look forward to it! <3
Hello, I downloaded the game today and played through once and did Kael's route. The CG art is really good. At first the premise is interesting. I think this is a lovely start to creating your game.
SPOILERS
Sorry, but I am going to get into some hopefully construction criticism. Please do not take any of this negatively--this story really is very good for a first story.
I think overall the thing that held this game back was essentially the story was too elaborate. There was a lot of what is commonly referred to as "info dumps" or lots of exposition just put in--for example, if you read fast and maybe miss a sentence, it's definitely possible to entirely miss a huge plot point because exposition is literally placed just once during a character's thoughts which included other less important information.
It's difficult to explain, but one thing I think you should keep in mind as a golden rule going forward is following "Chekhov's gun" which is a writing principle that states "every element in a story must be necessary, and irrelevant elements should be removed." I know probably you already have in mind how everything is necessary and has meaning as part of a huge, grand story--however, I really think you should consider in this smaller release of the story to NOT include all the elements of the story yet.
I think it actually would help you to keep people intrigued if when you write a smaller release of the story to follow Chekhov's gun principle by not including anything that is irrelevant to the shorter story. For example, I would have advised completely removing the detail of Kael wanting a heart from the witch. Because in this short release of the story it ended up being just a throwaway line that had no impact or relevance to the story. It also added a bit of disappointment (at least to me) because honestly I didn't feel the character displayed a lack of emotion--which usually is what people think of first when a character says they lack a heart (due to Wizard of Oz probably). So, it just added an unnecessary distraction--which is a classic Chekhov's gun example.
The switching back and forth between character's POV and between past and present was also distracting. I think having even just a screen break with just "A few days later..." or "Brennan's POV" would have helped because at first I didn't even look up at the top of the screen and didn't catch the POV change.
But I also think the many changes in POV is also a result of trying to tell a huge story in a very short amount of time. Again, I would have probably advised on the short release of this story to have focused on just a few things. For example, maybe starting out the game telling just a fragment of the backstory--not everything that was said in this game, but just enough to get people intrigued and maybe purposely leaving out some things so readers question who's who as they're reading. (For example, maybe you could have had a townsperson recalling the story at a pre halloween event as the protagonist walks by--I dunno maybe a book reading to children at a library or something--of the evil witch's actions and not mentioned the good witch yet so readers would initially think the protagonist might be secretly tied to evil magic unawares and that could have added tension and suspense, plus it would give more reason as to why the townspeople all feared witches so much).
And then in this short release you could have focused on the protagonist not yet being aware of the truth--that only one witch was evil and the other was good--so not having any flashbacks yet to the past of the good witch, and instead at the end when she's possessed by the good witch you keep readers in suspense because you don't tell them she's good. And instead you keep it vague still and mysterious. So, when the witch leaves her body the protagonist has a much more difficult decision to make on whether she'll try to stay as herself or continue to unravel the mystery. And then for Kael's route you could have her basically saying the same as she did--a speech about choosing to remain as she is and maybe even adding that she will never become evil. (Just as a nice touch) So essentially you'd have a complete short story then. A girl connected to an unknown entity choosing to stay as she is and be a good person--that's a very satisfying story. However, YOU would know as the author that it's just a tiny piece of the actual grand story and then in your next release you could plan out how the protagonist is gradually going to learn that the witch she's connected to actually isn't evil. For example, while she's now living with Kael and they know they're likely going to be attacked by Brennan again--that's when she could suddenly start having flashbacks of a good witch and gradually realizing that there's more to the story. Obviously I guess this would then require maybe a rewrite of Kael since I think he remembered that the witch was good--I probably would have kept him in the dark in this first release. Maybe not yet regaining all his memories. And also it would require a rewrite of her best friend so that she hasn't yet told the protagonist of the story of the good witch. And I do think this is another story beat I would have removed completely--because it too was just thrown in as a flashback randomly. Whereas I think it would be much more impactful to be written at a key moment in the story and probably where it's not a flashback but us actually being in the scene in the present. So, again I think this would too have been good to have in an episode two--or second release of the game where maybe as she's getting odd flashbacks that contradict her knowledge of the witch she eventually tells her friend who then recounts the story of the good witch--maybe even as a final beat right before a major plot point. (Like right before she meets Brennan for a big encounter)
And then in the next release as they both start realizing that the witch was good that would be a special treat then to your readers--to your fans--because they would be so thrilled to see that the story expands and gets more and more elaborate and interesting.
Anyways, that's just one idea. As you can see, there's a lot of ways you can simplify a grand story and focus on beats that you think will be exciting for a reader. You don't have to reveal everything at once. And a story doesn't have to be huge to have a big impact. You can definitely pick just a few things from your grand story and up the ante on those points to a thousand to make them very exciting.
Basically you really want each major plot point to have the most impact it can have in your story. If Kael is actually a secretive character who’s main intentions originally were to get a heart in order to no longer be under the witch’s control or something—then that should have gradual hints throughout the story and the reveal of him looking for a heart should be during some major scene. Timing of when to reveal plot is very important and also focusing on major plot points to build their momentum is very important too. Or if he wants a heart only recently after meeting the protagonist because he fell in love and wants to become fully human—that too should be a major scene.
But, again I think since you had so many very cool, dramatic plot ideas in this story there just were too many in this chapter one that you weren’t able to give them all the emotional, dramatic tension and impactful reveal they really deserved.
I think you should see every very cool plot point you have as a diamond that you absolutely do not discard. But instead save it and hold onto it until you can present the diamond at the perfect moment.
Again, I hope this is helpful. And sorry I just love thinking about stories and giving feedback. You did very well for your first story! The story itself has a lot of potential.
Hey Narnia! I want to say thanks a million for writing down these feedbacks for this game, I'm absolutely hounoured to hear it! The passion behind these words thrilled me:))
You are not the only one who had provided similar constructive feedbacks, and as author I'm also fully aware that I had squeezed too many plots & foreshadowing in this short 12000 words story -- I had a much bigger story in mind AND too short time to write them down (I only had 10 days I could allocate to the story-writing during the 1 month game jam).
Enough of the excuses:P I want you know that I'm grateful for whoever who spent time reading it and even more time writing down feedbacks! That includes you <3 While I appreciate sweet and generous comments, I also love to hear criticism as I have these concerns in mind as well, your feedbacks help me to validate that I'm not just imagining things.
On a seperate topic since you have mentioned it a bit...
I probably should write a post, life is messy and busy I'm still trying to figure out how much time I could spend on the game this year -- my next goal is not to work on the second/third chapter following this game, but to work on a "remaster" version of this game, aka chapter 1, that would involve:
- rewriting the story for progressively revealing the plots (not like telling a story in a rush this time)
- working on new character art/background art/CGs (to be honest, this bothered me the most), and
- composing my own music instead of using copywrite free musics.
- better marketing!
Please look forward to it!
Again, thanks so much for your feedbacks!! I'll keep them in mind for the next game development:)
Hello, and again this is really great work.
I actually did watch someone who played this game too afterwards and I noticed that their selection for a beginning question helped resolve a lot of my uncertainty I had at the beginning when I played.
SPOILER
It was the question, “Do you believe in what they’re saying about the witches’ curse?”
I had picked, “I suppose not.”
But the gameplay video someone else did picked, “Yes, I do.”
When seeing the “Yes I do” response it really helped me to understand their world better.
Whereas the selections I made I don’t remember an explanation of how the townspeople viewed the legend exactly in general. Nor history of the town itself being very clear.
Believe it or not but when I heard at the beginning of the story that Kael had just appeared with medieval knowledge and getup in town I was thinking he may be from another dimension or world, or realm. Basically not from her world. Or that there was an underground secret magical society similar to Harry Potter. And that she might be a descendant of someone who magically traveled to her world from a magical world.
But, I never thought that their town’s history had a palace and kingdom with a witch and everything in the past. I guess it was more like I thought the town had a fairytale about a witch from a magical world who happened to come to their world and town. But they all thought it was fictitious.
In retrospect I can see how that probably should be obvious that the town was where the palace had been—but the townspeople just thought the magic part of the story was fictional and possibly that the witch was fictional. (Or maybe they do know magic existed?) But it’s true when I read through I didn’t pick up on the palace being a literal part of their history until much later and didn’t understand it as well as I would have if I had seen the “Yes I do” dialogue.
So, I dunno it that helps but maybe I suggest considering adding some dialogue to the No response that still tells the history.
Sorry I am a long winded speaker. But it’s really cool and hope you get time to write more.
Yeah that's a very fair point! Again I really appreciate all the detailed feedbacks!!! <3
Usually a story consists of 3 elements:
As you pointed out in this and the first posts, in this story I didn't do enough writing on the world building, it's only natural that it failed to help the readers explore the world and ensure we're on the same page:) That will be one of my goals in the remastered game to fix this issue in addition to clear some loose ends in the plots!
I might have some free time around June this year to start working on it:) Currently I'm studying a music composing course in the spare time, the course will finish around April.
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Since you mentioned it, if you are curious -- the fairytale is more or less a sugarcoated version of the real history of that kingdom. You might notice that the endings of Miss Witch in the past are very different:
That all sounds so awesome. ^-^ I hope you have a great year and have that relaxing, fun time to write. It’ll be so exciting to see!
Thank you!! <3 <3 <3
Same to you my dear player, I hope you also have fun to enjoy many games in your free time this year!
ahh this seems so interesting !! loved it so far, cant wait to find out more about the story and maybe more about miss witch's past? kael is so lovely and nice but ngl brannan is really my type lolz but yeah kael is just the vibes rn cux he wants the best for april <33
aww thanks for your lovely comment Nahryla! <3 so glad to hear you enjoyed this little game!
Kael is lovely isn’t it? :)) He brought in so much joy when I wrote the story! And Brannan the handsome haha, yeah I admit he deserves more spotlight, one of my top priorities for the remastered version of this game is to write more about him! <3
And I do plan to expand the story into more episodes where we’ll dive deep into miss witch’s past and her true name (big plot here!).
Please look forward to the future development! 💕
Will you ever do a Android version?
Oh sure! It’s easy for me to do an android build. It should be all good but I don’t have an android phone to double check it, let me know if there’s any issue occurred and I’ll do my best to address them:)
WitchsCurse-1.0.1-android.apk is available now!
OMG im so so sorry i didn't see this! Thank you so much literally love youuu🥹🥹🥹
oh no worries! I hope u can enjoy the game on your android phone:)
Summertown Romance!
The custom-drawn CGs looked absolutely amazing. I really like the character designs. I can tell that you took great care to find some fitting music that enhanced the mood.
Kael's childlike wonder and enthusiasm were so cute and really won me over. I enjoyed the friendship between April and Cora. I think Brannan might be quite an interesting Character. Funny enough, I picked his route first, because I was excited for the cult stuff. Kael felt like more like the main route though, as we spent more time with him and that Kiss CG was amazing. I felt like it was a bit of a personal happiness vs (possibly) greater good choice and that made it interesting. Thank you for making this game.
Thank you Mondlicht! <3
Your comment brightened my day! I’m happy to hear that you enjoyed the game;))
I hope you enjoy the game!
If you have any feedback please don't hestitate to reach out to me either by leaving a comment here or if you are a bit shy, feel free to talk to me directly @lin_8948 on discord :)